Triggers: Uncontrollable Rage

 

Unhealed Trauma

My Experience

The mind is a complex place. I say this with my own experience. When I closed my eyes, all I saw was my rage acting out in movie form. Scenes of me destroying things. Throwing tables and chairs, punching walls, breaking glass. Sometimes in these articulate visions I would have a sledgehammer and tools to help me on my quest of destruction. My anger is just that; destruction. My anger doesn't scare me, it makes me sad because my anger wants to destroy everything I love. I have lost a lot and it seems my pain of grief and despair enacts a certain type of anger that wants to destroy what I have so the fear of one day having to lose the things I love once again would subside and I would gain some type of relief, release, or surrender. Throw away everything I love, break it and destroy it with no chance of coming back so I can stop feeling so guilty about wanting things that will ultimately hurt me. There are moments in life where you are overrun with fear. Anger spurs from all the places you have hurt before. It asks for answers, better yet, it asks for it to stop so you can be safe again. Anger isn't bad, it is a survival mechanism to keep you safe and alive. I allow my anger to be, however ungrateful she seems because even I forget she comes with honest intentions and I apologize I misunderstand her. 

In my own experience it is a very distressful event. I have no room to express my anger so I wait for it to subside which affects my body physically. I become tight and tense, my back hurts and so do my shoulders. My arm became paralyzed for 3 weeks as a symptom of what was going on under the surface and more importantly what I was going through. So much rage in my body, I shut down. Not letting my destruction out into the world and affect my life and the other people around me but all of this holding in makes you so tired. It is tiring having to hold back all that rage. So tiring and so awful my rage turns into tears because I know why I am so angry and you feel so powerless. In this world there seems to be no time to rest, to heal, to find your state of peace again. No time to feel. My anger has a place in my life and I respect that feeling. I actually love when I am angry and feisty. I love all the parts of me but anger, like any feelings and emotions are not mine to hold on to and I need to continue to be able to flow to stay balanced. 

"The brain may disconnect from reality or replay the traumatic event in the form of a flashback"

Triggers

Something triggers you. You remember a certain feeling, memory, or even a smell. To be conscious that you have been triggered is a skill set. Sometimes inconspicuous and your mood changes and you don't know why. Sometimes it stares you in the face and it haunts you for days. Your stability gets knocked off and the rug gets pulled from under you. You seem to have lost your autonomy and can't control your body. What you say, how you think, the way you react to things. You go off of instincts and innate inertia. Then, you regret what you said to your mother, your spouse, your coworker. You feel guilty and again, hopeless. In your hurt you have hurt others. Your unhealed trauma cuts you deeper and you are ashamed.

5 Stages of rage

                                                            1. Trigger

                                                            2. Escalation

                                                            3. Crisis

                                                            4. Recovery

                                                            5. Depression

Rage

Something in your life confronts you. Wanting to show you a blockage you have. If it is in your heart chakra it is heartbreak. Root chakra, it is fear. Throat chakra and you throat gets tight and you can't express yourself. What is stopping you? The world will show you. Memories will resurface. Your childhood trauma shows. You zone out, mentally you are back there but with the mind body connection, so is your body. You perceived a threat that looks like what happened in your past all over again so your body reacts. Your nervous system gets dysregulated. You become anxious with fear. Jumpy and startled. You are in survival mode. Rage kicks in, you are in crisis mode

How do you recovery from this? How do you express your rage? There are many ways to. 

People go to the gym. Exercise and moving your body is a great way to disperse this energy and lower your stress. I recommend something low stress like light cardio, yoga, dancing, walking. light jogging. However this does not heal the core issue. It is a bandage fix dealing with the rage and trying to manage it. You have to go deeper. You have to heal your trauma. 

How to HEAL your trauma

You must go back there. In a safe place, in meditation, you have to transmute this energy. You have to allow yourself to feel what you have been accidentally neglecting. A part of you that had to go through it. There are many ways to do this, I find writing to be the most helpful to me. I write down how I remember the event, what I felt, and the beliefs I created around it. I creative outlet is the most beneficial route. Paint how you feel or felt, create what it was. Take that energy you are holding on to and make something with it. It will turn into something beautiful. Poetry, stories, painting, dance routines. Your hobby is your outlet! Do something you enjoy and can zone out in, flow and create. See and feel. Do and expel. Lay in your bed and cry your tears, feel the pain and release it. Afterwards things will be different. Believe me things will be different. Your favorite sad songs won't have the same power they do. The things that made you cry won't anymore. For me, scenes I would cry at in movies don't effect me anymore. These things won't resonate with you anymore energetically because you released them. You don't algin with them anymore and you will regain back your power.